Introduction: I Would Like to Speak to the Manager of Earth
Some days you wake up and think, “wow, humanity has achieved so much.”
And then other days, you learn that a country’s government once tried to invent a gay bomb to defeat their enemies, and suddenly evolution feels like a clerical error.
Today is that second kind of day. With all due respect, I think god invented earth as a sitcom, and I’m feeling chaotic today so we will watch a few episodes of this comedy series called “Earth“.
Welcome to a carefully curated list of historical events that prove—beyond reasonable doubt—that humans should not have been trusted with free will, power, or rabbits.
The Cold War: But Make It… Questionable
At the height of the Cold War, when two global superpowers were locked in a battle of intelligence, strategy, and nuclear threat… the United States proposed a weapon that would supposedly make enemy soldiers attracted to each other.
Yes. That was a real idea.
Somewhere in a high-security room, a grown adult said:
“What if we weaponized sexual tension?”
Not missiles. Not tactics. Just… vibes.
It was never developed, unfortunately. History could’ve been a lot more entertaining.
We wouldn’t need a pride month. The Gays would be the main game.
The Race Across a Route That Didn’t Exist
In 1908, people attempted to race from New York to Paris.
Through Alaska.
Across the Bering Strait.
The only issue was – The Bering Strait was not a thing anymore.
It had not been a thing for about 20,000 years. Nobody decided to check 🙂
And yet somehow if my headings in excel are not properly aligned, it’s a big deal.
There were no proper roads. No infrastructure. Just vibes, snow, and mechanical breakdowns.
And yet—against all logic—they still finished the said race. God’s scriptwriting is on another level. What the fuck.
At this point, success feels less like achievement and more like a threat.
Two Founding Fathers and Famous Last Words
Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, two of the very first Presidents of the United States were once rivals and later became friends. The two of them died on July 4, 1826. Exactly 50 years after the Declaration of Independence.
Minutes before his death, John Adams said his final words –
“Thomas Jefferson survives.”
And what a way to be wrong. Because Thomas Jefferson, had in fact, not survived. He died five hours before this incident.
This is not history. This is dramatic irony with a budget.
My personal belief was that the two of them tried to kill each other and both succeeded, but that’s there score to settle in the afterlife.
Pythagoras: Mathematician, Cult Leader, Alleged Menace
Every student’s beloved Pythagoras believed numbers were pure, orderly, and rational. Because the world is all stars and glitters.
That is, until one of his students proved the existence of irrational numbers.
So Pythagoras did what any logical mathematician would do when put in this very specific scenario – he decided to kill the said student. He drowned Hippasus of Metapontum, one of his own students and a fellow Pythagorean philosopher. The man had discovered √2.
Ever since I was a kid, I knew Math was dangerous and should be banned. Satanic science.
The Pear Tree That Was Sentenced to Death
You, my dear friend, are not ready for this one.
A Roman man named Claudius Drusus died after choking on a pear. He tossed the pear in the air and tried catching it with his mouth. That didn’t go as planned and he died from asphyxiation.
Normal day in a very normal world. Except, the tree responsible was put on a murder trial.
It was also found guilty, and later destroyed as punishment. Because accountability matters. And clearly, the tree had malicious intent.
I just wish to know how low were the crimes rates at this point of time 😭.
CID could never.
The Pastry War: Because Someone Stole Cake
A French pastry chef in Mexico complained that the Mexican soldiers looted his bakery and stole cakes. He demanded compensation from the guity.
When he was ignored, he wrote a letter to the king of France – Louis Philippe I, complaining to him and demanding compensation. The king responded like any reasonable leader would—by blockading Mexico and starting a war.
You know what? I’m not mad about this one. Killing is one thing, but stealing cakes? Blasphemy!
The Great Emu War: Humanity vs. Birds
I have known this for a couple of years now and it’s honestly my favorite history fact, but in 1932, Australia declared war on emus.
Yeah no kidding. An actual war, fought by the Australian military – against the bird – emus.
They had guns. They had the advanced military power.
The emus won. Emus won the battle. The bird. The bird won the war.
There is no recovery from this. No redemption arc. Just national silence.
You know that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that this is the only war that Australia has ever been on the losing side of. They have won every other war that they have been a part of.
I’m done. I am so done with god.
Napoleon vs. Rabbits: The Downfall of an Emperor
The great Napoleon once organized a celebratory rabbit hunt. Because cruelty and murder is fun.
God had different plans, because instead of running away like poor target animals typically do, the rabbits decided to fight back.
They swarmed him.
An emperor. A military genius. A man who reshaped Europe.
He got jumped by bunnies. Yes, little cutesy bunnies.
History books don’t emphasize this enough, and I understand why.
The Longest War That Did Absolutely Nothing
The Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly were technically at war for 335 years.
There were zero battles.
Zero casualties.
Zero consequences.
This was not a war. This was a commitment issue. My crush had more terror in my life than this multi-century war did.
The Parrot That Couldn’t Read the Room
I’m starting to feel this article has too many US presidents in it. why are they such… samples.
Anyway, At Andrew Jackson’s funeral, his pet parrot had to be… umm escorted out.
Why, you ask?
Because he was cursing loudly.
Imagine living your entire life, learning language from a president, and then getting kicked out of his funeral for using it. Something tells me that was his goodbye speech for the President.
Conclusion: Aliens Are Absolutely Avoiding Us
We have never really seen aliens, and honestly, I get it. If I was an alien and I watched the human news from earth, I’d be very hysterically concerned.
Because what is going on here?
If I was an alien, I wouldn’t attack the Earth either. If that’s the reason why we act the way we do, it’s working guys, it’s working. We are safe from an alien invasion for at least a couple of hundred centuries.
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