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As discussed yesterday, being a serial killer is bad.

Like, really bad.

One of the worst career choices available, right up there with “guy who tests whether electrical outlets work by sticking forks into them.”

But as we also established yesterday, there’s something worse than being a serial killer.

Being a stupid serial killer.

Because for all the movies that portray them as criminal masterminds playing twelve-dimensional chess against the police, a surprising number of serial killers have been caught for reasons so embarrassingly dumb that they sound made up.

And yet, every single one of these happened. In real life. Like real earth life.

So once again, in the interest of public education, let’s look at how to not serial kill.

1. Dennis Rader (BTK) And The Greatest Betrayal In Computing History

I know, i briefly mentioned this yesterday, but it deserves a whole section of its own in my opinion.

I want everyone reading this article to imagine something.

You have successfully avoided prison for THIRTY YEARS.

Thirty.

Years.

Three decades. I’ve been alive for less than that.

At this point you’ve basically beaten the game.

The police have no clue where you are.

You are free.

You are thriving.

You are paying taxes.

You are attending community meetings.

You are doing whatever it is serial killers do when they aren’t serial killing (which, if you’re a serial killer, hit me up. I have questions).

Then one day you decide:

“You know what would be fun? Contacting the police.”

🤦🏻‍♀️

Right…

But wait.

It gets worse.

Because before sending them evidence, literal evidence, Dennis Rader asked the police a question.

A simple question.

A humble question.

“Can a floppy disk be traced?”

Yes. To the police. 🙂💛

If I am a serial killer.

And I ask the police if evidence can be traced.

And the police say:

“No.”

My next thought should probably be:

“That sounds suspiciously convenient.”

Not Dennis though. His last two brain cells had already committed suicide I believe.

Dennis looked at the police.

Looked at the floppy disk.

Looked back at the police.

And essentially said:

“Well if you say so.” And sent them a floppy disk.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The floppy disk was traced. Obviously.

The police lied. OBVIOUSLY.

The serial killer was arrested.

And somewhere in the distance Microsoft Excel got an assist on a homicide investigation.

Imagine surviving thirty years only to get backstabbed by Save As.

2. Imagine You’re A Police Officer

It’s Tuesday.

You hate Tuesdays.

You grab your coffee.

You begin your shift.

Your expectations are simple.

Maybe you’ll catch somebody speeding.

Maybe somebody ran a stop sign.

Maybe you’ll spend twenty minutes listening to a man explain why traffic laws don’t apply to him because he’s “kind of in a hurry.”

Normal police things.

Then you spot a suspicious vehicle.

You pull it over.

Routine stop.

You approach the car.

You glance inside.

And suddenly your entire day changes.

Because sitting in the passenger seat is a dead body.

Congratulations.

You have accidentally discovered serial killer Randy Kraft.

Imagine being that officer.

You woke up expecting traffic violations.

Now you’re solving multiple murders before lunch.

That is not what was written in the job description.

3. Bobby Joe Long And The Worst Gamble In Human History

I want everyone to imagine Bobby Joe Long sitting somewhere after releasing Lisa McVey.

Relaxed.

Confident.

Possibly feeling very clever.

After all, what are the chances that his victim remembers enough information to identify him?

Unfortunately for Bobby, Lisa McVey apparently possessed the observation skills of Sherlock Holmes after six energy drinks.

She memorized everything.

The vehicle.

The routes.

The sounds.

The surroundings.

The habits.

At this point I wouldn’t be shocked if she remembered the serial number on the seatbelt.

Investigators received a treasure chest of information.

Bobby Joe Long received consequences.

A truly unfortunate exchange rate.

4. Dennis Nilsen vs The Plumbing System

Every great villain eventually meets their match.

Batman had the Joker.

Sherlock Holmes had Moriarty.

Dennis Nilsen had a toilet.

One of these rivalries is significantly less glamorous than the others.

Nilsen attempted to dispose of remains through drains and plumbing.

Which sounds less like a plan and more like a desperate conversation with absolutely no understanding of how pipes work.

Eventually the drains clogged.

Workers arrived.

Workers investigated.

Workers made several discoveries nobody wants to make at work.

Police arrived shortly afterwards.

Imagine spending years avoiding law enforcement only to be defeated by household infrastructure.

The final boss wasn’t a detective.

It was Pipe No. 4.

5. The Barber Who Accidentally Became Batman

Imagine you’re a barber.

You arrive at work.

You expect hair.

You expect awkward small talk.

You expect somebody showing you a celebrity haircut they absolutely cannot pull off.

Then a man walks in.

He’s missing chunks of hair.

There is blood visible.

Nothing about this situation feels normal.

That man was Earle Leonard Nelson.

The barber immediately became suspicious.

Authorities were informed.

Nelson was eventually arrested.

Bro went in looking for a haircut.

Instead he received a criminal investigation.

That’s what I call a bad customer experience.

6. The Tragic Curse Of Main Character Syndrome

I’ve spent a lot of time reading about serial killers.

Far more than is probably healthy.

And I’ve noticed something.

A shocking number of them desperately want attention.

They write letters.

They leave clues.

They brag.

They contact newspapers.

They insert themselves into investigations.

Which is fascinating because their entire objective is not getting caught.

It’s like winning hide-and-seek and then immediately standing up to announce your location.

“Attention everyone. I would like recognition for how well I am hiding.”

Sir.

The hiding is no longer working.

Final Thoughts

One thing true crime has taught me is that people massively overestimate serial killers.

Movies love portraying them as criminal masterminds.

Strategic geniuses.

Master manipulators operating twenty steps ahead of everyone else.

And sometimes that’s true.

But sometimes they’re caught because they trusted the police.

Sometimes they’re caught because they drove around with a corpse.

Sometimes they’re caught because a toilet got involved.

Which honestly raises an important question.

If these are the people we’re calling criminal masterminds…

What exactly are the idiots doing?