I am me. And if you know me, you know I’m basically a walking, sitting, sleeping dynamite stick ready to explode at any moment.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a very patient person… if I like you.

If I don’t care about you though, I have the emotional capability to set you on fire.

But as you know… unfortunately, murder is illegal. Being annoying, again unfortunately, isn’t.

Laws exist to protect the annoying class. Society insists on “consequences.” And prison apparently has terrible WiFi. I wouldn’t know for sure because remember — I am innocent until proven guilty.

The system has clearly failed us, so we are forced to find healthier ways to deal with irritating people. So here are a few clinically proven ways to deal with annoying people.

(Source: Shreyalogy Clinic, World of Shreyalogy)

1. Make Jokes About Them

I don’t care. The world is a bad place. There are only two outcomes in life: die or get made fun of.

Your choice.

If I can’t kill you with poison, I will absolutely kill you with jokes. I will twist your name, exaggerate your habits, and turn your personality flaws into a running comedy series. You’re now a sitcom character that everyone hates.

Jayant Panda? More like Giant Panda.

And honestly, if your name rhymes with something stupid, that’s between you and your birth givers.

2. Write a Book and Kill Them in It

This is my personal favorite. Every law has a loophole. I have found mine.

Take your irritating coworker, acquaintance, or random human who ruined your mood. Turn them into a fictional character.

Then kill them.

Is it satisfying? Yes.

Is it illegal? No.

Can they sue you? Also no.

Unless you drop their full government name, address, Aadhaar number, and clearly say “this character is exactly that person.”

Otherwise, congratulations. You’ve just turned shit into literature. Art.

Writing is a beautiful coping mechanism. Some people journal. Some people meditate.

I am better.

I simply convert my enemies into fictional characters and let the plot handle the rest.

Therapy is overrated anyway.

3. Scribble Aggressively

Write their name on a piece of paper.

Now scribble over it.

Hard.

Hard enough to destroy not just that paper, but the next four sheets underneath it.

It’s destructive, it’s therapeutic.

I suggest you do this on a newspaper. Don’t waste good stationery on people who don’t deserve it.

4. Win Arguments in Your Head

You know what’s the worst part about corporates and “culture”?

Arguing is “disrespectful”. Being an absolute dumbass with no reasoning for your designation or relationship hierarchy is okay — but answering back? Illegal.

Again, society has failed us.

So while you cannot give people a piece of your mind at all times in reality, you can always do it in your head.

Thrash them like the piece of trash they are.

And best of all — it’s not unprofessional because it only happened in your brain.

It cannot be proven. Ever.

5. Wish Minor Inconveniences Upon Them

I am not saying wish terrible things upon people. That’s too many bad karma points for you — and remember we don’t ruin our score for people that don’t deserve it.

I am simply saying it is completely legal to hope they stub their toe today.

Maybe they spill coffee on their new white shirt.
Maybe their charger only works at a weird angle.
Maybe they forget their laptop charger at home.

Is it a little malicious? Yes.

Is it legal? Also yes.

Will you probably go to hell?

Hehe, yes.

But it might still be better than earth with them on it.

6. Pretend They Don’t Exist

This one requires both patience and practice.

Our brains are weird. If you ignore someone hard enough, your mind eventually downgrades them from “important human” to “background furniture.”

I’m not trying to disrespect furniture here. I’m just trying to make a point.

At some point you might genuinely respond with:

“Who?”

Note: this only works if you don’t have to see them every single day.

In which case… sucks.

7. Drink Something Fizzy

I have no scientific explanation for this.

But drinking something cold and fizzy — preferably Coca-Cola — has prevented multiple people from becoming victims in my murder plots.

Coincidence? Maybe.

Effective? Absolutely.

Final Thoughts

The world is a chaotic place filled with irritating people.

Channel the rage into jokes. Write stories. Scribble violently. Win imaginary arguments.

Healing is for the weak.

Stay toxic. Stay blessed.

And may all your toe-stubbing wishes come true.

— Shreyalogy