The World of Crime and All Things Evil Owes Me An Apology

There’s very little a serial killer can do to, you know, disappoint you.

This person is already a serial killer. They’ve already committed to one of the worst hobbies available to mankind. How much lower can we really go from there?

What else could they possibly add onto this massive heap of tickets to hell in order to disappoint you further?

Apparently, there’s a lot.

Let’s get done with my generic introduction.

For those of you who are new here, I’m Shreya Singh, a die-hard, hardcore, aspirational crime fan. Not an aspiring criminal. An aspiring crime fan. Important distinction.

So obviously, I see crimes differently.

I’m never happy when a murder happens, but when it does — I have expectations.

I hate sloppy murders.

The ones where the murderer leaves fingerprints on the murder weapon.

Where the murder weapon with the fingerprints is lying in plain sight.

The ones where someone buys poison from the shop below their building to poison their husband, and then gets shocked when they’re the first suspect.

The ones where a couple goes on a romantic trip, one of them clearly plans a murder, and books only one return ticket.

Brother.

Sister.

Fellow citizen.

If you’ve reached the point where murder seems like the best available option, at least spend ten extra minutes thinking the plan through. Heck you should be spending months planning it

You being a murderer is bad enough, but understand — murder is the absolute last resort.

At least think it through, brother.

And before somebody forwards this article to the police, let me clarify something.

Murder is bad.

Very bad.

It shouldn’t be your first choice.

It shouldn’t be your second choice.

It shouldn’t even be your third choice.

But if you’ve somehow fought your way through all the other options and arrived at murder, at least make sure your alibi survives longer than a yoghurt.

People like Indrani Mukerjee?

At least they thought it through.

At least they tried.

Some of y’all are not even trying.

Then there are the serial killers with fancy names.

And this is where I completely lose my mind.

Because if you’re going to become a notorious criminal, the least you can do is commit to the theme.

Sometimes you’ll hear about a killer with a really cool name — “The Night Slayer” or something.

And then you find out this person’s entire thing is just running people over with a car at night.

LIKE BRO.

LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME. You’re the night “slayer” not Salman Khan

Look, I might have tendencies and this isn’t a confession, BUT—

If I turned into a serial killer and they gave me a fancy-ass nickname, I’d do everything in my power to live up to that name.

You know.

To not disappoint the fans.

Or the police.

Mostly the fans.

To take an example — the Zodiac Killer.

Now, as someone relatively new to the world of true crime, what would you assume from that name?

Think about it.

A person who kills people based on zodiac signs.

Today an Aries.

Tomorrow a Taurus.

Gemini the day after.

Maybe somebody who exclusively murders Capricorns during Capricorn season.

Maybe a serial killer who studies birth charts before every crime.

Maybe somebody who leaves horoscope predictions at crime scenes.

I don’t know.

Something.

Anything.

Give me a zodiac.

Give me astrology.

Give me Mercury retrograde.

Give me one singular horoscope.

Instead?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

The Zodiac Killer has copyrighted that name without a proper reason.

There’s nothing zodiac-related about this person’s crime trail.

NOTHING.

??????????

Excuse me?

Tell me that’s not offensive.

Because when I hear “Zodiac Killer,” I’m thinking drama.

I’m expecting commitment.

I’m hoping to go down a rabbit hole of absolute madness.

I want detectives forced to learn astrology against their will.

I want investigators arguing over whether the suspect is a Scorpio (Which, they probably (most definitely) are).

I want a conspiracy board with constellations pinned all over it.

I want the FBI secretly consulting somebody’s aunt who won’t stop talking about moon signs.

I want SOMETHING.

But no.

The zodiac connection is basically just branding.

That’s it.

Do you understand how offensive that is?

That is false advertising on a criminal level (literally).

It’s like I change my Instagram username from Shreyalogy to AstrophysicistShreya.

Then you open my profile expecting groundbreaking discoveries about black holes.

And instead you discover that I WORK IN HR.

Meanwhile, ten years later, there’s an actual astrophysicist named Shreya who can’t claim that username because I have wrongfully denied her that right.

Now she’s stuck with:

AstrophysicistShreya_17

RealAstrophysicistShreya

AstrophysicistShreyaOfficial

DefinitelyTheAstrophysicistShreya

And all because I decided to squat on intellectual property that wasn’t mine.

That is what the Zodiac Killer did.

Somewhere out there is a genuinely astrology-themed serial killer who had an entire brand identity ready to go and found out the username was already taken.

Honestly, the murders are obviously bad.

Let’s get that out of the way.

The murders are definitely bad.

But the missed opportunity?

Devastating.

When I hear “Zodiac Killer,” I’m expecting theatrics.

Madness.

A level of commitment that makes investigators question their sanity.

Instead, I got the serial killer equivalent of ordering a triple-chocolate lava cake and receiving a digestive biscuit.

It’s clickbait.

Historical clickbait.

And frankly, I think I’m entitled to compensation.

Or at the very least, an apology.

I want a refund.