Society has spent centuries making one catastrophic mistake.
We have collectively decided that babies are harmless.
Why? Because they’re small. Because they’re cute. Because they occasionally fall over while attempting to stand.
Apparently that’s all the evidence humanity needs.
Well, as one of the world’s leading experts in both babies and making things up, I am here to present a different theory.
Babies would make phenomenal serial killers.
In fact, if a baby wanted to become a serial killer, I genuinely don’t think law enforcement could stop them.
Let’s review the evidence.
1. Their Entire Language Is Encrypted
Imagine a detective interrogating a suspect.
“Did you commit the crime?”
The suspect immediately launches into a full confession. Names. Dates. Methods. Motives. Everything.
“Goo ga ba da bababa.”
The baby has just described the entire crime in graphic detail. Meanwhile the adults are standing around saying, “Awww. He said his first word.”
No. He confessed. You people are just terrible at languages.
2. Their Alibis Are Practically Unbreakable
“Your Honor, my client cannot even walk.”
Case dismissed. Babies don’t even need lawyers. Society automatically provides one giant alibi the moment they enter the room.
Meanwhile nobody is asking the important questions. Like where that baby was between 2:00 PM and 2:17 PM.
Suspicious.
3. Nobody Takes Their Threats Seriously
A grown adult points at you and screams. Everyone gets concerned.
A baby points at you and screams. Everyone gets out their phone camera.
The warning signs are literally right there. We have simply decided they are adorable.
4. They Have The Perfect Disguise
You know what’s a great way to avoid suspicion? Looking like a marshmallow.
Nobody expects criminal activity from a creature wearing a duck-themed onesie.
If a detective walked into a room containing ten adults and one baby, the baby would be the last person investigated.
Exactly as planned.
5. Their Fingerprints Are Tiny
I don’t actually know if this helps. But it feels like it should.
They’re so small. How is anyone supposed to find those?
Forensic scientists already have enough problems. Good luck.
6. They Control Adults Through Psychological Warfare
Babies can make grown adults do almost anything.
One pout. One trembling lip. One strategically deployed tear.
And suddenly entire families are reorganizing their schedules.
That isn’t communication. That’s influence. That’s power.
The Verdict
- Encrypted communication
- Automatic alibis
- Near-total immunity from suspicion
- Expert-level manipulation skills
- A legal system that refuses to investigate them seriously
I am not saying babies are serial killers.
I am simply saying that if they were, they would probably get away with it.
This article has been approved by the Shreyalogy Baby Justice System, which maintains that babies are innocent, adorable, and completely above the law.
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