Look, I get it, I’m a little self-obsessed, but honestly, who wouldn’t be?
Keep yourself in my shoes and you’d know how hard it is not to be a fan.
Because tell me why I use about 0B of my brain before speaking and somehow everything that comes out of my mouth is sitcom-worthy.
I’m not even exaggerating.
If someone recorded my life, I’d make billions.
But anyway, today I felt extra funny, so I went through all the diabolical but hilarious things I’ve said out loud or on text recently that have definitely put me on some list somewhere.
That said, I firmly believe the agent assigned to monitor me is laughing their ass off and having a fantastic time at work.
Here’s a collection of things that have come out of my mouth recently without any professional scripting whatsoever.
The Things I Say That Make Me Sound Like A Threat To Society
“I’m not saying I’m planning to kill my husband. I’m just saying he should know that if I want to, I can.”
In a world full of men not treating their wives right, be the woman that he HAS to treat right.
“So why don’t we just kill him?”
Me, at a minor inconvenience.
“I don’t know the science behind it, but Coca-Cola has saved several people from becoming characters in my murder plots.”
“Would you still love me if I tried to murder you and somehow failed?”
Genre: Tiny Little Babies
“Babies know witchcraft.”
Tell me why these little gremlins can cry, shit themselves, not do ANYTHING besides crying, sleeping and playing, and yet you’d be ready to donate your heart, lungs and kidneys to them?
Suspicious.
Very suspicious.
“If babies weren’t meant to be nibbled at, why are they called cutie pies?”
Why do they look like rasgullas?
Why do they smell like a snack?
Mixed signals. Ugh.
Ugh, Men.
“Men and lizards are proof that God fucks up too.”
No notes.
“Was just informed that men too need oxygen to stay alive. I thought they lived off of ✨Audacity✨.”
“Do you think men should pay an Audacity Tax?”
“Men have no business looking good. You’re naturally designed to go die in a war bro.”
“You talk too much for someone that’s not even immortal.”
Things That Made Perfect Sense To Me
“What the fuck is ‘Can we address the elephant in the room?’ Can we just adopt it?”
Because elephants don’t want to be addressed.
They want an address.
“If there’s no I in team, why am I expected to do anything in a team project?”
“I’m a law avoiding citizen.”
Important Questions That Needed Asking
“What’s the manliest name a Hindu guy can have? Aman.”
Get it?
Because it spells out “A Man.”
Hehe.
“Bengaluru people when their newborn baby doesn’t speak Kannada 🤬🤬🤬”
If you want to live in Bengaluru, you need to learn the language, you little piece of potato.
Truth Bombs so Deadly, They Might Just Name Me A Terrorist
Do you know why little girls are encouraged to do “Best out of Waste” in school?
Because they’re expected to grow up and do the same with a husband.
😌💅
Final Thoughts
Honestly, at this point, I’ve accepted that my brain is just a sitcom writers’ room operating without supervision.
I don’t know where these thoughts come from.
I don’t know why they make perfect sense to me.
And I definitely don’t know why people keep laughing at them.
All I know is that if someone ever records my life, I expect royalties.
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